|
mary rosenblum
|
Hello all!
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
I hope you've had a good week.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
Hard to believe that next
weekend is Labor Day! Whew! Where did the summer go?
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
Today, we're going to do one
of our 'hands on' workshops.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
In this one, people can
contribute short chunks of prose that are giving 'em trouble.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
We'll see if we can't make
them better. :-)
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
This is our After Hours Forum,
with me, Mary Rosenblum, your web editor, and we're doing a writers
workshop today. I've published seven novels and more than 60 short stories
and will do my best to answer any questions you have. If you're new here,
remember that you need to click on the 'Ask a Question' button or the 'word
bubble' next to the red question mark at the top of the screen in order to
ask a question. Your regular 'send' bar won't reach me! Or you can use /ask
and type your question into the regular send bar if that works better for
you..
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
I have quite a few
submissions, and if yours doesn't show up here...
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
it simply hasn't arrived in my
email.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
Here's an excerpt for the
session, if there's time. I think I have a POV problem. ~kashmir
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
"I've got to go get
groceries," she said. "I'm afraid I don't have your Cokes
stocked, although if I'd known you were coming…" But he'd already seen
the contents. One carton of buttermilk, a plastic container of bean salad,
some eggs, and various pickles and jams was all that had met his eye.
Bryan, embarrassed, went into what his office staff called
"slick" mode, talking rapidly and incessantly to keep a difficult
client distracted. He exerted his not inconsiderable charm upon his aunt,
who bore it with good humor and a certain amount of grim pride.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
"So, where can I take you
for dinner? You can't say no, because it's my birthday and I want to. Sky's
the limit!"
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
"Well, at Rick's Diner
"Sky's the limit" would mean getting the pot roast
sandwich,followed by a giant piece of cardboard cake." She sat upright
in her chair, enjoying her own dry humor, while making determined eye
contact long enough to keep him from seeing the dust and the mouse traps
and the grimy windows.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
So what we have here is a
scene that has a lot of character conflict.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
Bryan has visited his aunt and
is appalled to see how she is living...
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
so he plans to take her out to
dinner.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
This is probably out of a
larger context, so we're not introducing Bryan here.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
The dialogue brings the
narrative distance down to near zero...but then it widens as the author...
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
tells us how Bryan is talking.
I don't think he thinks about it in such detail.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
Let's see if we can reduce the
narrative distance as Bryan thinks about what he's doing.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
Bryan, embarassed, went into
what his staff called slick mode. "So, where can I take you for
dinner?" He gave her a wide, ingenious grin. "That was my secret
plan.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
I'ts my birthday and you can't
say no."
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
After she describes the 'sky's
the limit' fare at Rick's, we switch into her POV as she tries to will him
not to see the dirt and disorder.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
But let's put it into HIS POV.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
This would come right after
she speaks.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
She wasn't buying it. She held
his gaze as if she could will him not to see the dust and mouse traps and
grimy windows.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
I used almost the same words
ehre, but now Bryan thinks 'she's not buying it'.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
He thinks that she's willing
him not to see.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
It's a subtle shift but it
keeps us in Bryan's POV and that allows us to keep building intimacy with
Bryan.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
Notice we had to leave out
more details about his slick mode and how he used it on clients...
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
He probably wouldn't think
about it just then, not in that much detail...
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
but we know he's being slick,
trying to make her think what he wants her to think...
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
and that's really all the
reader MUST know here.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
So it's enough.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
Too much detail would remind
us it's a told story and distance us from Bryan.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
Once again...the balancing
act! :-)
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
This is our After Hours Forum,
with me, Mary Rosenblum, your web editor, and we're doing a writers
workshop today. I've published seven novels and more than 60 short stories
and will do my best to answer any questions you have. If you're new here,
remember that you need to click on the 'Ask a Question' button or the 'word
bubble' next to the red question mark at the top of the screen in order to
ask a question. Your regular 'send' bar won't reach me! Or you can use /ask
and type your question into the regular send bar if that works better for
you..
|
|
megger
|
I'm hoping to provoke a physical
response but don't think I've made it yet....Reaching Max, he’s standing
utterly still, staring at the study door instead of me and he’s growling. The
hairs on the back of my neck stand up and I start breathing a little bit
faster. Then it hits me. That door was open when I went to bed. Looking up
at the clock, I see it’s now only a few minutes after 3:00 am.
|
|
janecj333
|
/does anyone else think it
sounds like an omniscient narrato
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
The one I just did? Yes, it
was an omni POV...that was part of the problem.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
We switched from Bryan to his
aunt in the middle of the scene.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
That's why I simply chose
Bryan as POV and stuck to him.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
I think this does a pretty
good job of setting an ominous tone.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
I'd probably try to edit out
as many words as possible to increase the tension a bit more.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
I'd probably leave out the
breathing faster. You want the scene to accelerate us into the 'boo' that
we know is coming. :-)
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
Max is standing utterly still,
staring at the study door instead of me.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
Growling.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
The hairs on the back of my
neck stand up. That door was open when I went to bed.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
I'd leave the rest as it
was...I don't know the significance of the time, but clearly it matters.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
I simply took out a lot of
words to leave the beats that drive the creepy 'something's wrong' feeling.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
I put 'growling' on a separate
line to add punch...turn the spot light on it.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
The choppy sentences suggest
tension.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
Max is
staring...growling...ohmygosh....door is open.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
The more you strip a scene
like this down to those essential beats, the more you get that 'physical
effect'. Most of the time, anyway. :-)
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
Here's a good question I want
to answer:
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
I am not sure how to pose this
as a question but will try... If you are writing a story both in present
and past i.e. finding a journal and reading what a person has written ...
how do you transition from the present to the past smoothly.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
I seem to be able to stay in
proper POV and proper tense in each of the paragraphs and taken separately
they work but is choppy when you read it.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
Thanks Carla
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
I'ts hard to do.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
And sometimes you simply let
them be choppy. YOu end the character's POV section and begin a new section
of the diary entry.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
No transition at all. You use
the bumps.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
BUT...you can also try for a
transition by having the MC get out the diary, maybe sit down...
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
at the table and open it...
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
That eases us into the diary,
gives us the sense that we are looking at the page and beginning to read.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
I would certainly use a
different font for the diary entries...probably italic or some other script
like font that isn't too hard to read.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
(that is the editor's choice,
not YOURS).
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
You would simply use a [set
off] command in the margin to tell the editor that you want the diary
entries...
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
to look different.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
The smooth transition might go
like this:
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
Eloise waited until Mark
tottered off to bed. Then she slipped the book from behind the bread box
and sat down at the table...
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
spreading the book open in the
yellow light of the kerosene lamp. The stiff paper crackled as she found
her marked page. In October, Jamie got the spotted fever. I knew he was
going to die. The good always die young.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
This is our After Hours Forum,
with me, Mary Rosenblum, your web editor, and we're doing a writers
workshop today. I've published seven novels and more than 60 short stories
and will do my best to answer any questions you have. If you're new here,
remember that you need to click on the 'Ask a Question' button or the 'word
bubble' next to the red question mark at the top of the screen in order to
ask a question. Your regular 'send' bar won't reach me! Or you can use /ask
and type your question into the regular send bar if that works better for
you..
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
Now if you were using diary
and MC to create a parallel plot construction...
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
you might want to alternate a
chapter or scene, say, of the MC's actions and then a section of diary with
no transition at all.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
We might know from the
beginning of the story that our MC reads an entry every night, for example.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
That would be more of a 'bump'
at the transition, but if you want the reader to follow two evolving
stories separately, until they converge...
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
that bump would remind readers
they are shifting to the other story now.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
This is our After Hours Forum,
with me, Mary Rosenblum, your web editor, and we're doing a writers
workshop today. I've published seven novels and more than 60 short stories
and will do my best to answer any questions you have. If you're new here,
remember that you need to click on the 'Ask a Question' button or the 'word
bubble' next to the red question mark at the top of the screen in order to
ask a question. Your regular 'send' bar won't reach me! Or you can use /ask
and type your question into the regular send bar if that works better for
you..
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
Geezer sent this one.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
Anthony trembled as he raised
his weapon. "Here now! What's your business?"
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
Unsteady, the gaunt man turned
from the fire. In the gloom, flames flickered red and yellow across half
his face.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
This is very nice showing.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
I probably wouldn't have
flames on his face, but rather light from the fire flickered red and
yellow...
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
I bet that's what you meant,
but it's not quite what you said. :-)
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
Shirley:
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
"Madonna and I are the
same age, but that's where the similarities end." She had to chuckle
when
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
she read her opening line.
There wasn't much about her life that she found funny these days, so
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
hearing a laugh erupt from her
own mouth was strange. She never dreamed she would find
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
herself sitting up at midnight
placing an ad on an online dating service. Actually, it wasn't all that
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
funny; sad would be a better
word.
|
|
gwanny
|
uhh thats Sherry...akaa gwanny
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
I know, gwanny...apologies.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
I saw the typo about one
nanosecond after I hit enter. :-)
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
Sorry.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
This is really a good
illustration of how hard first person is to write well.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
The challenge here is to make
us feel that we are sharing the MC's thoughts...
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
that she is talking to
herself...like most of us do at times.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
This is very narrative.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
It's not written like an
internal monolog. What you need to do is to listen to your POV for awhile.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
Let HER tell you in her voice
about that.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
I'm sorry, this is third
person...
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
I have a different example on
my WP screen...
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
I was looking at the wrong
one..but we're still seeing the same thing here...
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
in third...where you want to
reduce the narrative distance until it becomes internal monolog...
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
the same way you would for
first person.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
So you need to listen to that
character until she tells this in her words.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
And it will almost sound like
first person.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
Very limited third and first
person are hard to tell apart, actually. :-) They're very close.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
Let's see if I can come up
with a voice here...
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
Apologies, gwanny...it won't
be your character's.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
"Madonna and I are the
same age, but that's where the similarities end." She chuckled. Wasn't
much funny about her life these days. She made a face at the screen. Had she
ever thought...
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
she'd be sitting at her screen
at midnight, posting an ad on an online dating service. Funny. Maybe. Or
sad. She sighed and pushed herself back from the computer.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
I'd added more sentence
fragments to give us the sense of her thoughts. She is not thinking in
long, correct sentences...well probably not...most people don't. :-)
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
The trick is trying to make it
sound like HER and not like a voiceover.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
She had long forgotten the
pre-performance sickness that always consumed her in the brightly lit
backstage, and that was only moments ago. Now, in front of a packed
audience in the city of her upbringing, only she and the piano were softly
spot lighted, her trained fingers freeing her to reminisce.
|
|
gwanny
|
I see what you are getting at
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
Good! It's hard to get, but
once you do, it will bring your prose to life.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
That is when I started
selling...when I finally mastered that limited third.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
An evening many years ago
somewhere in the Mid West, a little girl with nose and lips pressed gently
against a wet and cold December dining room window, is wishing, praying to
see a pair of Dodge head lights slow down enough to make the left turn at
the corner and a swift right into the driveway.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
This is by John.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
I'm not entirely sure what is
happening here, but I think that the second paragraph is her thought as she
plays her piano.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
(And I'm pretty impressed if
she can play a concert piece and think about the past at the same time!)
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
Is that what it seems like to
you folks?
|
|
megger
|
As a musician, I can tell you in
a performance - that won't happen.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
I find that a bit difficult to
swallow, too, megger.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
You can make it work, but
you'd have to establish it...that this character seriously multitasks.
|
|
gwanny
|
I wasnt sure, thought maybe it
was two seperate pieces
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
It may be. It didn't come with
any explanation.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
Makes more sense than playing
a concert and thinking! It was the 'reminisce' that sent me in that
direction.
|
|
roe
|
almost sounds like two to me too
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
So, what about narrative
distance? What do you all see here in both pieces (we'll call 'em
separate).
|
|
megger
|
I feel completely removed from
the scene.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
Well, we're clearly not
sitting inside the character's head, right?
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
These are both very narrative,
and the author uses very nice language.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
They're very well written
narrative and that may suit the story perfectly.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
If you want to use lyrical
language, if you want the reader to pay attention to your word choice, to
really focus on the poetry of language...
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
narrative works best, in
general.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
If he zeroed the narrative
distance, those lyrical words wouldn't be appropriate because she probably
wouldn't think them.
|
|
archer
|
its like we're on the outside,
looking in
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
Exactly, archer.
|
|
teddo
|
I don't know what narrative distance
is.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
Narrative distance is how far
you are from the inside of your character's head.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
If you perceive the world
through the character's senses, then the third person narrative distance is
zero...as first person is.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
If we see the scene from a
distance...it is larger than zero.
|
|
spider
|
perhaps the music itself brought
about the reverie; it may have been an intimate song of both the performer
and its subject; yet it needs to be clearer
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
Absolutely. If these are her
thoughts, we need a transition... 'the memory seeped in through the
music...'
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
Something like that.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
Let me move on, so we can get
all these up. :-)
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
Sweett [backstory]
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
A lone street lamp stood guard
over the near empty parking spaces in front of the Alexandria Gazette in
old Downtown. Tabitha pushed her face against the cool glass, watching for
Mother's return from All's Well Cafe'. Judith sat in the rocker looking over
Tabitha's shoulder to the street below. The drumming rain beat against the
glass distorting the view of the street below.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
Around the far corner limped a
bent figure in a dark overcoat holding a big yellow umbrella overhead. The
girls began to smile at the sight of their mother returning from a long
shift. Again, Tabitha pressed her faces to the window and watched their
mother pause at the curb, then step into the roadway. At Main Street's
crossing with Third, headlights in a frenzied dance appeared as the revving
of an engine jerked the girls' heads toward it. The red Corvette swerved
back and forth guided by an unseen slalom course. The girls' hands flew to
the windows, noses against the glass. Screams. The Corvette raced past the
apartment, never slowing. Mother's umbrella flew into the air and skittered
down the roadside, floating along with the drain water. The dark overcoat
covered a crumpled mound.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
This is a nice cinematic
scene, sweett.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
We are in nobody's POV here.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
We are standing back, watching
mother get run over by a car.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
Now cinematic can work very
well for that type of scene...
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
and you can then switch over
into the POV of one of the girls, or the person who will be your POV>
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
As with Megger's creepy
dog-growling scene, you might want to pare down the words...
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
so that you focus on the essential
beats of the scene.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
Mom limping, umbrella, girls
smiles, headlights, car zooms past, umbrella skittering down the road...
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
and that umbrella skittering
along is VERY powerful.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
I wouldn't add that crumpled
form. We KNOW it's there.
|
|
archer
|
what's the difference between
cinematic and omni POV?
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
In cinematic we don't know
what anybody thinks, archer.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
We are in NO point of view
head.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
In omni, we are in MANY points
of view.
|
|
gwanny
|
how do you know when too much
description is "too much"?
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
Feedback, gwanny, practice,
experience. Readers before you have experience. :-)
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
You get better and better at
using fewer words.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
And when you start, ask
readers. Give 'em a questionaire after they read a story for you.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
Was the description too much,
not enough, just right?
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
Your turn, Archer. :-) Glad
you could make it.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
The last few day guests were
transporting out of the castle. Gail could hear the chatter of their
parting greetings through her window. The public celebrations had gone
well, she thought. At least that should please Martin. She sighed and
looked at herself in the mirror. Lately, she felt older than her years.
There were lines under her eyes and they were red. She sighed again and
tried to relax. The overnight guests would be joining her in the dining
hall soon. She had to at least look happy. Her thoughts were interrupted by
the sound of footsteps. "You were with him again, weren't you?"
her husband burst into the room.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
More accusations, Gail
thought. "Yes… It was necessary Martin."
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
"You always find a
reason."
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
"He responsible for our
son's training. I need to know his plans."
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
"I don't like it. It
makes no sense for Adam to choose to train with such a little known knight.
He had better options."
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
Now, I"m sort of assuming
that in this world, 'transporting' is a magical means of travel? :-)
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
Like teleporting or somesuch?
|
|
archer
|
science actually
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
That's good. (Science and a
castle..I like that!)
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
It's good. I'd tighten it a
bit.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
Drop the could.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
YOu can lose the 'thought',
too.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
More accusations.
"Yes." Gail faced her husband. "It was necessary, Martin'.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
It's a nice strong limited
third in Gail's POV.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
You can lose the 'there were'
by letting her peer into the mirror... Gail peered at her face in the
mirror, frowning at her red eyes and the puffy lines beneath them. s and
the
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
Nice, ARcher!
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
Leah stood at the edge of the
road facing the faded white mailbox. Rust grew from the nails that held it
onto the leaning post. She reached out, flicked off a rusty chip of paint
and watched it flutter to the ground. Red dust covered clumps of withered grass
and a single wilted daisy slumped next to the post. She rested her palm on
her bulging stomach then crushed the daisy and ground it into the dirt.
"Might as well get it over with." A screech accompanied the
opening of the mailbox and a shiver ran up her spine. She reached in the
mailbox and pulled out the envelope.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
That's speck.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
Now here, speck has drawn out
the details of the mailbox and the scene in general...
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
Leah notices the rust spreading
from the nails, picks off a bit of paint, notices the dust and witheed
grass, the daisy, and crushes it. To me, that says she is dreading what is
in the mailbox...
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
and it will have a big impact
on her life. This is avoidance behavior...noticing all these details.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
It's the kind of 'shocky'
effect you get when you've been injured or experience shocking news...
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
you tend to zoom in and notice
small details.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
We also know she is pregnant
and she confirms that the letter is dreaded with he thought.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
I'd just start with Leah faced
the faded white mailbox.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
That is teh core of the
scene...it and the threat it holds.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
This is our After Hours Forum,
with me, Mary Rosenblum, your web editor, and we're doing a writers
workshop today. I've published seven novels and more than 60 short stories
and will do my best to answer any questions you have. If you're new here,
remember that you need to click on the 'Ask a Question' button or the 'word
bubble' next to the red question mark at the top of the screen in order to
ask a question. Your regular 'send' bar won't reach me! Or you can use /ask
and type your question into the regular send bar if that works better for
you..
|
|
archer
|
Thanks. This may be an obvious
question, but how do third and limited third differ?
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
It's a good question, archer.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
There are several types of
third person.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
'third person' just means that
you use he/she/it instead of 'I'.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
we have cinematic third...no
POV character, you are a camera eye.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
Omniscient third...you head
hop from character to character
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
narrative third...
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
the author tells the story.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
and limited third.. we share
the story through the perceptions of the POV character.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
And one POV at a time.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
Your turn, lore. :-)
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
Rain poured down the
windshield. The whirr of the wipers harmonized with the soothing sounds
from the jazz station. Cast Your Fate to the Wind. Watt smiled. He love the
song but not the title. The music filled his mind like water, calming him.
Traffic flowed like sludge. He wondered if there was an accident. He wanted
to get home. Aaron would be waiting. Hiking at the falls. He drummed his
fingers on the dash, out of
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
time with the song.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
Highway speed. Finally. He relaxed.
The song was over. Higher Ground by Stevie Wonder came on. He saw a
movement. A car ahead flowed across a lane of traffic, gliding out of
control on the wet road. A tractor trailer swerved to avoid it. Spun out of
control. He was mesmerized by the way the entire world seemed to narrow to
that wall of gleaming metal coming toward him. Time slowed. Then speeded
up. In that split second he tried to swerve out of the way, slammed the
brake. Fear hit him like a wall, then the metal. He braced himself, heard
himself screaming, and thoughtof Aaron.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
Things slowly began to make
sense again. He wasn't sure if he was still real. The airbag was deflating.
He didn't see any blood. His left ankle hurt, a nauseating grinding pain.
Same with his right wrist. That's it? He began to think about getting out.
Looked around. Ahead on the road, a trickle of flame flowed toward his car
from the vicinity of the truck. A tiny fire flickered under his hood. He
smelled gas.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
"Oh my God."
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
That's very good limited
third, lore.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
This is a hard scene to pull
off...someone in the middle of an accident.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
It's very easy to make it very
narrative, to lose the sense of action and crisis.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
I probably wouldn't do more
than tweak a few words.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
I'd probably use sliding
rather than gliding...that has a nuance of elegance, grace, and control
that doesn't fit here.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
But your choppy sentences
mimic the sort of fractured perceptions we might hve in the after math of a
collision especially as he sees the flames.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
Notice how the rhythm of the
passages changes.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
We have the mellow, sort of
dreamy narrative as he settles into highway mode.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
That's the first paragraph.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
Then, in two, it starts in the
same smooth, almost languid rhythm...you see something start to happen, it
doesn't connect at first -- what is going on --
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
but then it gets choppy toward
the end as our POV reacts, hits the brakes...
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
and the final paragraph is
very choppy...he is in shock, injured.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
Nice job.
|
|
gwanny
|
wonderful climax building!!!!!
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
Absolutely.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
Very nice dramatic peak, a
small respite and the start of a new build with the flames.
|
|
teddo
|
tell archer thanks for the
question on thirds
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
Yes, it was a good question.
:-)
|
|
archer
|
good for not being predictable
too, you think it ends with the crash, but then there's fire
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
Yep, exactly. :-)
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
Just as we go 'whew'!
WHAMMO...new crisis coming.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
roe, this is yours.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
"Hello." Sandy
propped the newspaper on the counter and answered the phone. 'GEORGIE
PORGIE, PUDDING AND DIE' by Sandy Winslow, the headlines blared at her. She
opened a can of cat food, stooped down, and picked up the cat's dish.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
"Sandy, I liked your
story
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
What the heck? Sandy almost
dropped the phone. The raspy voice on the other end sounded evil. Shivers
ran up her spine. "Who is this?" she whispered.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
Nice dramatic moment here,
roe.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
Clearly the fact that this
person referred to her story has a big impact.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
I would rework your timing on
your first paragraph though.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
She says hello and then she
answers the phone.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
I know that's not what you
meant, but that's what you wrote. :-)
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
I would stick the 'answered
the phone' right after that hello so you don't mislead us.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
"Hello." Sandy
answered the phone as she propped the newspaper on the counter.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
Wouldn't she question the
looong silence on the end of the line if she had time to open a can of
catfood, bend down, and pick up the dish?
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
I count seconds from my answer
to the first word...
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
telemarketers take about three
to five seconds to see on their computer screens that you have picked up...
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
and actually connect...so if I
get three seconds of silence I hang up.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
People normally speak after
one or at the most two seconds.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
I really DO count. :-)
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
This is actually an excellent
example of how details affect our sense of time.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
You can make more time pass by
adding details, speed it up by removing them.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
That's why it's so hard to get
much detail into a fight/flight scene!
|
|
roe
|
so would it be better for her to
say hello twice?
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
Yes, that should fix it. That
tells us this is a long, unnatural silence and you don't have to have her
think it or you say it.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
Vic turned his attention back
to the traffic as the woman behind him honked her horn. Looking in the
rearview mirror at her, he could have swore her face changed in appearance
before turning back to the disgruntled older driver. He wasn't sure what he
saw other than a beautiful young woman with brunette hair in a bun.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
This is from info.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
I"m a little confused
here, but I gather that Vic saw a lovely young woman briefly?
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
She was old, then, as he
looked, she became young, then turned old again?
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
Is that how it happened?
|
|
info
|
yes
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
OH, good!
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
Okay...didn't want to go off
on a tangent here.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
Let's start with the woman
honking.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
That translates more
immediately from print to visual.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
The woman honked and Vic
jerked his attention back to the traffic.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
We hear a car honk, see woman
driver, see Vic look back at traffic.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
He could have sworn she turned
back into that old bag, just before he took his eyes off the mirror.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
But he'd seen a beautiful
young woman with her hair in a bun. He had!
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
I've tried to give us more
sense of Vic actually thinking to himself here.
|
|
lore alley
|
Mary, quick delayed (sorry!)
question about my piece. Is the narrative distance zero? Is there a way to
get it any closer?
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
It was very close to zero,
lore. You did a nice job.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
Well, we've run a bit over our
time, but I wanted to get everyone in.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
Yep, I did.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
Thanks for submitting
these...it's always easier to understand craft when you see it happen..
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
than when you simply read an
explanation.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
And you all gave me some great
examples to work with.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
Nice job and thanks!
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
Do join us Sunday for our
casual chat.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
Same time as the Friday Forum,
but no topic, we just hang around and talk.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
I'll post the transcript in
the usual place: Writing Craft: Forum Transcripts.
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
Thanks for coming, all!
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
Have a good weekend, all!
|
|
mary rosenblum
|
See you Sunday!
|