Forum Transcripts

Hands on Workshop: Narrative Distance 5/6/05

Event start time:

Fri May 06 19:06:49 2005

Event end time:

Fri May 06 20:35:49 2005



Legend:
Questions from the Audience are presented in red.
Answers by the Speaker are in black.
The Moderator's comments are in blue.

mary rosenblum

Hello all!

mary rosenblum

I hope you've had a great week!

mary rosenblum

This is our After Hours Forum, with me, Mary Rosenblum, your web editor and we're doing a 'hands on' workshop on narrative distance. I've published seven novels and more than 60 short stories and will do my best to answer any questions you have. If you're new here, remember that you need to click on the 'Ask a Question' button or the 'word bubble' next to the red question mark at the top of the screen in order to ask a question. Your regular 'send' bar won't reach me! Or you can use /ask and type your question into the regular send bar if that works better for you..

mary rosenblum

We talked about Narrative Distance last week...how close your reader is to actually BEING the main character...

mary rosenblum

but it's something that can be hard to process.

geezer

My goodness. This baby picture looks like Ian. She turned the pages and the boy grew. Her brow knit. Now he looks like Sean.

mary rosenblum

That's good and a very nice example of near 'zero' narrative distance.

mary rosenblum

I would make two suggestions here...paraphrase the thought so that it doesn't end up as italic,. Take a look too...she can't SEE her brow knit...

mary rosenblum

that's our perspective. How would that FEEL to her?

mary rosenblum

So you'd end up with something like this: My goodness. The baby picture looked like Ian. She turned the pages, watched the boy grow. She peered at the page. Now he looked like Sean.

geezer

so i'm not in third person?

mary rosenblum

Sure you are. But if you use direct thought, a lot of editors will put it into italic. So in my version, the only direct thought is 'My goodness'.

mary rosenblum

The only reason I changed 'brow knit' to she peered at the page...

mary rosenblum

is that if I'm staring at an album, I'll be aware of staring closely at that page, perhaps...peering...but I'm not likely to think about what my brow looks like.

mary rosenblum

It's VERY nearly exactly what you did...that was very close to zero narrative distance as it was.

mary rosenblum

I just tweaked it a bit. :-)

mary rosenblum

zero narrative distance in effect merges the readers' perceptions with the MC's perceptions.

mary rosenblum

And realize this is not always the BEST way to handle POV. If your story is strongly plot driven...

mary rosenblum

you may need to maintain more narrative distance between characters and readers.

mary rosenblum

Fairytales are a great example of significant narrative distance.

mary rosenblum

We are never in Little Red Riding Hood's head...we are outside, watching the scene from the audience seats as she meets the wolf and visits Granny.

mary rosenblum

That's fine. It works well for that type of story. (And actually, if you want the zero narrative distance version, you'll find it in 'Red As Blood' by Tanith Lee, in her retelling of Little Red Riding Hood. :-))

barbg

don't adventure stories also have some narative distance, like Clive Cussler's books? There's so much action and dialogue there doesn't seem to be much time for thought

mary rosenblum

Sure. Most books have significant narrative distance. It's hard to achieve little or none. :-) Not many writers can do it, or even try all that hard.

mary rosenblum

And it's a key to breaking into fiction. If you do it well, your work will stand out in the slush pile. I know this to be true because it's how I started selling regularly...

mary rosenblum

and editors told me it was why they bought my stories. :-)

mary rosenblum

Sweet: Gwen stood at the top of the staircase, its steps beckoning her like Cinderella at the ball. Dustrag in hand, she tossed her clogs to the landing and ran her stocking-clad foot over the plush carpet. The late owner had spared no expense refurbishing the old plantation home nestled beneath the grand old oaks. Gwen stooped over and polished the ornate posts and began her descent.

mary rosenblum

Again, this is a very nice bit of near-zero narrative distance. As with geezer's nice example, I'd tweak a few things here, but they are tiny tweaks. Essentially, our perspective is nearly identical to Gwen's.

mary rosenblum

As to tweaking, I probably wouldn't mention her 'stocking-clad' foot because Gwen probably hasn't thought about those stockings since she put 'em on this morning...

mary rosenblum

and why would she pay attention to 'em now? But that's a tiny nit. You both did a great job here!

mary rosenblum

Here's another chunk.

mary rosenblum

"I'm workin' on it." Raking her auburn hair over her forehead, Gwen sighed as she dawdled down the stairs. Mr. Reuben had died last month and the grand house was sold at an estate auction. The new owner had sent word to the cleaning crew to have everything spotless and in order when he arrived. Would the new owner need her services? Mr. Reuben had been partially blind, he hadn't noticed. But the new owner would see. Finishing the last post, Gwen shoved her feet into her well worn clogs and headed to the maid service area.

mary rosenblum

This is a nice example of 'sneaking' the author into a very nice limited third. In reality, Gwen probably won't think once today about her hair color unless she contemplates hair dye in the store! LOL

mary rosenblum

BUT...because this is such a nice, tight, close POV, the author can slip in that 'auburn' as she brushes the hair back from her face if we MUST see it.

mary rosenblum

I might leave out the 'well worn'. Like 'auburn', it's a detail Gwen probably wouldn't notice, and I probably wouldn't put two 'author' details into a scene so close together.

mary rosenblum

If I wanted the reader to see worn clogs, I might have her pick one up and make a face at the edge of the leather coming loose. Maybe next payday she'd stop in at Volume Shoe and buy a new pair. Gwen sighed and slipped her foot into it.

mary rosenblum

Essentially narrative distance is the same thing as POV...whether you are using 'deep' POV (inside the character's head) or a more distanced version, such as omniscient.

mary rosenblum

This is our After Hours Forum, with me, Mary Rosenblum, your web editor and we're doing a 'hands on' workshop on narrative distance. I've published seven novels and more than 60 short stories and will do my best to answer any questions you have. If you're new here, remember that you need to click on the 'Ask a Question' button or the 'word bubble' next to the red question mark at the top of the screen in order to ask a question. Your regular 'send' bar won't reach me! Or you can use /ask and type your question into the regular send bar if that works better for you..

mary rosenblum

Bud: Jim finished his first course then pushed his chair back and stood. "Please excuse me for a couple of minutes-nature is calling."

mary rosenblum

"Take your time. I'll be right here when you get back." Mr Kenton got up and headed back to the buffet.

mary rosenblum

Jim noticed a pay phone beside the restroom door and called home again, but still no answer. He scratched his head and wondered where Erin could be. She hadn't said anything about going out today. The elevator door slid open behind him as he started to enter the restroom. Glancing back he saw a short blond girl in a plaid skirt enter the elevator with a dark haired man. The girl slipped her arms around the man's neck, which caused her skirt to pull up revealing a pair of black bikini panties. Feeling embarrassed, he turned away then a familiar scent caught his attention- Poison...Erin's favorite perfume. He looked back again, but the elevator door had closed.

mary rosenblum

You all are coming up with GREAT examples, she grumbles...nothing but nits to pick here tonight! :-)

mary rosenblum

This is still minimal narrative distance but it does step us back a bit...

mary rosenblum

We are seeing a bit more from outside the MC's perspective here.

mary rosenblum

I would probably turn that ',but still no answer' into 'Still no answer' a sentence fragment meant to represent Jim's actual thought.

mary rosenblum

And then I'd have him wonder about Erin. Like this: Still no answer. Jim scratched his head. Where the heck was she?

mary rosenblum

The effect is that we 'overhear' Jim wondering about Erin's non-answering.

mary rosenblum

HIs glance back at the elevator is nicely close, we're seeing the scene from his perspective so the narrative distance is down at zero.

mary rosenblum

I'd probably drop the 'feeling'. What else could he be doing? Tasting it? If he is, I'll say so, but 'feeling' is implied.

mary rosenblum

Embarassed, he turned away, when a familiar scent caught his attention. Poison. Erin's favorite perfume.

mary rosenblum

This is very nice, very close to zero, narrative distance. Good going.

mary rosenblum

Jason sent an example that he says has been driving him nuts. :-) And it DOES make a better example than you folks who only gave me tweaks to do! LOL

mary rosenblum

Together, with Flint still tucked safely in his shirt pocket, they remained still, allowing the minutes to pass. Gladius felt relief in his lower back the instant he was off his feet, but a dull painful throbbing pulsed down his legs into his feet. His eyes hurt, like they were being stretched back into his skull. Lying on his stomach, propped up on elbows, he felt the warm sand against his tired and aching body. He looked down at Flint, who seemed nervous, watching for anything that might be watching them, and thought, I should ask him 'what next', but lying here feels too good

mary rosenblum

Jason told me that he wants the reader to be in Gladius's shoes. (And Flint is some sort of tiny imp)

mary rosenblum

We do have a fair degree of narrative distance here.

mary rosenblum

The effect is of watching this on a movie screen, even though we know what Gladius is feeling.

mary rosenblum

Why do I say this?

mary rosenblum

If this was you, lying down after an all day hike, would you think about what you were doing in this manner?

mary rosenblum

Or is this the author describing it?

mary rosenblum

I'm not sure exactly what happened just before this scene begins, but we'll assume Gladius and Flint were hiding from some kind of danger.

mary rosenblum

Gladius crouched, still as a stone, while the minutes crawled past. Flint, thank the gods, stayed still for once. Finally, finally, he dared to get to his feet. His back pierced him and dull pain pulsed down his legs and into his feet. Gladius bit back a groan.

mary rosenblum

His eyes ached as he lowered himself to the sun-warmed sand and stretched out on his stomach. It helped. Flint? He raised his head with an effort...

mary rosenblum

spied the imp perched on a broken branch, sniffing the air nervously. I should ask him 'what next', Gladius thought groggily. But this feels too good.

mary rosenblum

If you notice what I did differently here...I filtered the scene through Gladius.

mary rosenblum

I have asked myself...'how would Gladius think of this...'

mary rosenblum

He is aware of crouching. Time crawling past. Maybe holding his breath.

mary rosenblum

When he gets up, pain shoots through his back and down his legs.

mary rosenblum

If you notice, I've used only the minimum and spare words to convey the sense of that pain...

mary rosenblum

because the character's perception of it will be pretty nonverbal (sort of OUCH), so complex language puts us outside the character again and increases the narrative distance.

mary rosenblum

If the character is not thinking in complex language, use very spare, simple, effective prose.

mary rosenblum

if the character is say, consciously admiring a nice looking horse at the market, you'll use the more eloquent language that prospective buyer might be thinking.

mary rosenblum

Nice mare, with a mane like spun gold and three white socks. She looked like a goer with plenty of muscle and an arch to her neck that could make a monk cry.

mary rosenblum

Back to Glaudius, I changed the scene to include a strong backbone of action. Glaudius crouches, he stands and feels pain, he lies down and gets some relief, he looks for Flint, he thinks.

mary rosenblum

By using action as the backbone for every bit of description, the effect is to keep the reader within Gladius and thus keep the narrative distance to near zero.

geezer

Mrs. Silverheels placed her elbows on the table and cupped her chin. She glanced at the doorway and whispered. "Well, you know what I think? This is the dumping place for Carlton's illegitamate children. Hides them from Adriana." Her gray head nodded.

mary rosenblum

This is nice and clear. Good bit of show, don't tell. Two small things will push the reader back and increase the narrative distanc here, geeze. Mrs. Silverheels is formal...

mary rosenblum

I think of myself as Mary, not Ms. Rosenblum...so that will make us feel that we are not really inside her character...and when was the last time you thought of your hair color as you nod?

mary rosenblum

Again, it may well be totally appropriate to write this in this fashion...it is very well written...

mary rosenblum

I'm just identifying the degree of distance, NOT whether it is the best way to write THIS scene...for that I would need the context.

mary rosenblum

out of context, I'd say she is a secondary character, not the POV.

mary rosenblum

Just changing those two small points will draw us closer:

mary rosenblum

Amelie leaned her elbows on the table and cupped her chin. She glanced at the doorway. "Well, you know what I think? This is the dumping place for Carlton's illegitimate children. Hides them from Adriana." She nodded.

mary rosenblum

Well, okay, I dropped the 'she whispered' too.

mary rosenblum

Other than those two tiny fixes and the dropped dialogue tag which we didn't need, these are the same words, and if you notice, the effect is quite different.

geezer

she is gossiping with the MC

mary rosenblum

Well, there you are. I just turned her from a secondary character to a POV just like that. :-)

mary rosenblum

You will always have significant narrative distance from any character who is not the POV.

mary rosenblum

It can be pretty minimal, but you're really only going to achieve zero narrative distance in a POV...

mary rosenblum

because you ARE outside non POV characters.

mary rosenblum

But thanks for giving me that example, geezer, because by changing her to the POV, I brought the distance down to zero and it made the best example yet!

mary rosenblum

Nice!

mary rosenblum

Let me give you an example of progressively narrowing narrative distance.

mary rosenblum

The young soldier strode across the compound, his back straight as a pole. His spear glinted in the sun, and mail vest sparkled

mary rosenblum

This is a LOT of narrative distance.

mary rosenblum

Young Gliand strode across the compound, proud of his new spear and mail vest. He winked at Raul as he passed.

mary rosenblum

Closer distance...we know him, we know a bit more about him, but we're still out there in that compound watching him from some distance at least.

mary rosenblum

Gliand marched across the training ground, afraid that the dust would dull the new mail. Raul was watching him. He straightened his back and managed to catch his eye. Just you wait, brother!

mary rosenblum

Now we're down to zero...in Gliand's head. Notice I did not call him 'young' here. Why would he think about his relative age right now?

mary rosenblum

As we reduce the narrative distance, general details (soldier, young) disappear and more specific details increase.

mary rosenblum

This is our After Hours Forum, with me, Mary Rosenblum, your web editor and we're doing a 'hands on' workshop on narrative distance. I've published seven novels and more than 60 short stories and will do my best to answer any questions you have. If you're new here, remember that you need to click on the 'Ask a Question' button or the 'word bubble' next to the red question mark at the top of the screen in order to ask a question. Your regular 'send' bar won't reach me! Or you can use /ask and type your question into the regular send bar if that works better for you

mary rosenblum

Feel free to post a chunk of narrative here...first or third person...and I'll happily use it as an example!

roe

His hushed tone made Marth's skin crawl. Why couldn't he talk normal like everyone else? She shuddered and brough her shawl closer around her shoulders.

mary rosenblum

That's quite nice. I'd probabl use a more specific verb than 'brought'...pulled, clutched, something that suggests tension.

mary rosenblum

But we're firmly inside that character's head right here. We share her reaction this his hushed tone.

mary rosenblum

Here is a much more distanced version:

mary rosenblum

His dark and threatening tone frightened Marth. She often wondered why he couldn't talk normally, like everyone else did. She pulled her shawl closer around her shoulders as if chilled.

mary rosenblum

If you compare the two, you'll see that the effect in roe's version is that we are sharing Marth's thoughts...she has turned us into a bunch of telempaths (which is what zero narrative distanace does).

mary rosenblum

What I did was step the reader back once more to the edge of the stage and back into the seats... now we sit back and the author tells us about his tone and its effect on Marth. We do get to see her pull her shawl closer.

sweett

Judith sighed, watched Ms. Busby and her ducklings toddle off, and then walked up South Street the few blocks to All=s Well Café, her thoughts swirling. How did Momma do it all? Paying the bills, getting Tabby ready for school, going to work. How she wished Momma were there. Shaking the memory of the ambulance sirens from her head, Judith stood outside the café door, staring blankly as it opened before her.

mary rosenblum

Nice. I'd probably thow in a 'as she' instead of a comma, but as with Roe's example, you have done a nice job of sitting us down inside Judith's head here.

roe

She crawled out of bed, careful not to wake Brian, and went to take a shower. How she would get through this next week was beyond her, let alone a whole year.

mary rosenblum

This is okay, but you're missing a bet here! Clearly this scene is going...

mary rosenblum

to include some internal narrative about what is going on.

mary rosenblum

So don't waste that shower. Break it down into precise actions and thread that personal narrative on that backbone of action...

mary rosenblum

the same way I did with Glaudius's example.

mary rosenblum

She went into the bathroom, closed the door, and turned on the shower. How was she going to get through this next week? she asked herself as steam billowed up. Let alone a whole year! She stepped under the hot, stinging spray, wishing....

mary rosenblum

and as she does the various steps of showering, you can keep giving us throughts interspersed by action...

mary rosenblum

that will keep the scene moving.

mary rosenblum

I see that format a lot in novice stories...a general statement about an action sequence (she cooked dinner) and then an entire page of internal monologue!

mary rosenblum

You could thread all that internal mono or thought on the small actions involved in 'she cooked dinner'.

fun25

We lived in a large, old house – my father, his three elder brothers, all wives and kids – a big joint family where men went to their work – the obscure world of dignity – and women managed household stuff and kids. Life was eventful with tons of people always around. We had shades of our personal grieves and joys, but we also had shoulders to share our deep sorrows and responsibilities.

mary rosenblum

This is a good example of large narrative distance. Our narrator, either the author or a first person POV, is summarizing a large expanse of time and many events. You see this type of narrative summary in some types of work, generally mean to do just that...

mary rosenblum

summarize the universe before the main story begins.

mary rosenblum

It's not the best start for a fiction story, but it CAN work if you move quickly into the main events and really engage the reader with them quickly.

mary rosenblum

But especially in something like a family memoir..

mary rosenblum

either real or fictional...this type of pulling back to create a large amount of narrative distance...

mary rosenblum

allows you to skim through events that would take you chapters and chapters to cover up close.

arfelin

Two months earlier, Jim dropped the cryogenic bomb, flash freezing her cozy world. A place where Spanish moss hung off trees instead of ice.

mary rosenblum

Again, this is another example of a very large narrative distance and you are summarizing something that involved time and events.

mary rosenblum

It's the type of brief summary that, as with our previous example, disposes of a lot time and events without spending thousands of words to do so.

mary rosenblum

And again...zero narrative distance is not always RIGHT and large narrative distance is not always WRONG.

mary rosenblum

Each of them is right in the proper circumstance. If your story is about what happens NOW, two months after Jim dropped that bomb (great hint, that)...

mary rosenblum

then spending fifteen pages dealing with those events through a minimum narrative distance would not be right if those events weren't critical to THIS story.

mary rosenblum

You will probably vary your narrative distance within even a short story and certainly within a novel.

mary rosenblum

Sometimes you WILL pull back and summarize events, using a large narrative distance.

mary rosenblum

Jasmine spent the day doing normal, trivial things -- washing clothes, cleaning crumbs from the silverware drawer, dusting all the bric-a-brac in the living room. It wasn't until the moon rose that she felt she was finally waking up.

mary rosenblum

That's very distanced. We are standing back and watching her do all this and we're not really seeing any details.

mary rosenblum

She resisted for nearly an hour, but finally, step by agonizing step, those invisible claws dragged her to the back door. Trembling, she watched her hand stretch slowly out, white and strange...

mary rosenblum

as if it belonged to a stranger. It turned the knob and the storm door opened, letting in a flood of moonlight.

mary rosenblum

It smelled like silver and blood and she gasped, feeling it move in her lungs, that light, like blood.

mary rosenblum

This is near zero distance. We are sharing her awareness as she is dragged to that door to breathe the moonlight.

mary rosenblum

Think of it as using a microscope...twirl the dial and you see tiny motes dancing in a drop of water...twirl it the other way and you're looking at cilia, cells full of chlorophyl, cell nuclei.

mary rosenblum

You all have been coming up with great examples tonight.

mary rosenblum

And remember...your ability to consciously control that narrative distance...

mary rosenblum

to bring it to zero when you want readers to share your POV character's awareness and then pull back out in order to skim over unnecessary action, will REALLY make your piece stand out in the slush.

mary rosenblum

Very few writers do near-zero narrative distance well.

mary rosenblum

We tend to use that 'fairy tale' narrative voice when we start writing.

mary rosenblum

Well, this was a fun 'Oregon Hour'.

geezer

Thanks, Mary. I is much clearer. Now if I could just get my mind around 'author's voice'....

mary rosenblum

Do you mean 'author's voice' as in the author narrating the story? Or you do mean 'voice' as in personal style?

speckledorf

Very nice forum! You gonna write that suspense story?

mary rosenblum

Which one is that? My werewolf story? :-)

geezer

I think they mean style

mary rosenblum

Voice is another of those 'fuzzy' words that have multiple definintions, geeze.

sweett

I need author's voice as in personal style

mary rosenblum

That will just happen. You won't be aware of it...others will describe it to you. LOL

gwanny

Thanks Mary, guess you did'nt get mine,,,or it was so bad...

mary rosenblum

Oh Gwanny, I did. I'm sorry!

mary rosenblum

I have 'em pasted here on the page and I didn't scroll down far enough.

mary rosenblum

Carrie never intended that her dear old friend Nannie Ray be hurt this way. How dare Vickie repeat what Carrie had said about Nannie Ray's boy Robert! It wasn't that Carrie had said anything untrue about Robert, but his Momma had not even put him in the ground yet! The last thing Carrie had wanted was to cause that sweet old woman more pain. Damn that Vickie! " I will call Vickie first, then I'll go see Nannie Ray" Carrie said aloud to no one, save herself. Carrie knew that she would be putting an end to a 25 year friendship by making the call, but right now, she was more concerned about Nannie Ray .

mary rosenblum

This is good internal narrative Gwanny. I would let Carrie be doing something...cooking dinner, taking that shower...

mary rosenblum

doing something, and use the actions as backbone to string this long narrative onto. The actions will keep the scene moving forward while Carrie steams about Nannie Ray's wounding.

pjwriter2

A blinding light appeared in the sky. An earshattering crash of a silvery object hit about 500 feet from the porch. I ran to get a closer look but when I got there I froze. A little creature with long platinum hair and glowing emeral green eyes was staring at me from the space ship that was dangling from the tree.

mary rosenblum

Last one!!!

mary rosenblum

This is just fine, PJ...the light and crash are filtered through your POV's awareness... This is nice example of first person and the events are described by the POV as if they are happening right now.

brpeterson

I missed it :( are you going to do this again?

mary rosenblum

Oh yes, br. I do these workshops regularly. :-) Don't worry.

mary rosenblum

And of course, the transcripts will be available shortly in Writing Craft: Forum Transcripts.

mary rosenblum

You all sent me great examples!

mary rosenblum

Thanks for making it easy.

mary rosenblum

Do join us Sunday for our casual chat.

mary rosenblum

It's a lot of fun. We talk about whatever, fix stuck stories, and so forth.

mary rosenblum

I'm off to work on the wizard YA story I promised for an anthology.

mary rosenblum

I'm doing something new this time...plotting as I go.

mary rosenblum

Dunno why. Just felt like it. :-)

brpeterson

what btime on sun??

mary rosenblum

5 PM pacific, 6 Mt. 7 Central, and 8 PM east coast.

mary rosenblum

See you all there!

mary rosenblum

Have a good weekend!

arfelin

Have a great Mother's Day!

mary rosenblum

Wow, that's right! almost forgot. You, too, all you moms out there!

 

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