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mary rosenblum
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Hello all!
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mary rosenblum
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I hope you've all had a great
week!
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mary rosenblum
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This has been an auspicious
day for me...or at least a good one!
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mary rosenblum
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Not only did I get to watch
Mt. St. Helens erupt, but I finished my SF novel...final revision.
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mary rosenblum
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It finished up at 466 pages
and I am SO glad to be finished...
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mary rosenblum
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So is my agent. :-)
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roe
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way to go Mary I watched it on
tv kind of neat
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mary rosenblum
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Much more fun in person. :-)
Lovely white steam plumes.
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mary rosenblum
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I'll keep you all posted on
the novel. Two publishers...Tor and Del Rey have both asked to see it, so
that is good. :-)
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paja
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How far away from you is the mt?
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mary rosenblum
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I'm about thirty miles away,
paja.
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mary rosenblum
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I happened to be watching when
it blew the top off in 1980.
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mary rosenblum
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Now THAT was a big eruption!
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frazz
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Scary?
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mary rosenblum
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Oh, no. I love LOTS closer to
Mt. Hood..like at the bottom. It's active, too.
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paja
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Do you think you might get a
bidding war going on the novel?
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mary rosenblum
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My agent certainly hopes so.
:-)
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mary rosenblum
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Both editors are eager.
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mary rosenblum
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Well, I want to get to our
paragraphs, because I have quite a few. No surprise!
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mary rosenblum
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Some really good ones, too.
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mary rosenblum
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For those of you who might not
be signed up for the email updates...
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mary rosenblum
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I offered to critique opening
paragraphs in a hands-on workshop tonight.
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mary rosenblum
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Since starts are SO important,
this seemed like a good way to look at a variety of examples...
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mary rosenblum
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and see where their strengths
lie and where they could improve.
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seabeewife
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what novel, i missed something?
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mary rosenblum
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My current novel project,
seabee...just finished.
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marty
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Mary what do you think about
write4word
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mary rosenblum
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I don't know what that is,
marty.
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mary rosenblum
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This is our After Hours Forum,
with me, Mary Rosenblum, your web editor. I've published seven novels and
more than 60 short stories and will do my best to answer any questions you
have. If you're new here, remember that you need to click on the 'Ask a
Question' button or the 'word bubble' next to the red question mark at the top
of the screen in order to ask a question. Your regular 'send' bar won't
reach me! Or you can use /ask and type your question into the regular send
bar if that works better for you..
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marty
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program to correect novels and
short stories
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mary rosenblum
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I'm not a fan of grammar
checkers and the like, marty. Dialogue is almost never grammatically
correct, and writing software in general...
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mary rosenblum
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uses a 'template'...at least
the ones I've seen. Why write a formula? Write it your way.
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shoutjoy
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I'm going to have to go, please
send me my feedback if you get to it. Late hubby, late dinner sorry :((
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mary rosenblum
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I'll post the transcripts in
the usual place, shout.
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mary rosenblum
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You can go look later: Writing
Craft: Forum Transcripts.
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jr souza jr
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can we still send some over?
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mary rosenblum
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If we have time at the end.
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mary rosenblum
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So let me post the first one.
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mary rosenblum
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Geezer writes: In another
world, at a distant time, he would be called a pterodactyl. Newly arrived
from an exhaustingmigration, he should have rested with his mate in the
secluded cave high in the white cliffs overlooking the ocean. But,
something like a memory disturbed his tiny mind.
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mary rosenblum
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Okay I didn't edit any of
these, so typos are not my fault! I cut and pasted! LOL..
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mary rosenblum
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This is not a bad opening. It's
rather leisurely, sort of a once-upon-a-time feel, but we have some great
hooks here.
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mary rosenblum
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Another world. Distant time.
THEN and THERE he would be a pterodactyl, but obviously HERE and NOW he is
something else.
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mary rosenblum
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And the end of the
paragraph...that 'something like a memory', tells me, the reader, that I'm
probably going to find out more if I just keep reading. So yes, I'd keep
going.
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mary rosenblum
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It's not a highly dramatic
start, but it has lots of hooks.
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mary rosenblum
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Marly: Corrine sat straight up
in bed, her heart pounding, sweat trickling down her rib cage. There was
someone in her house...doors didn't close on their own. A scream lodged in
her throat as her fingers fumbled for the phone beside her bed.
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mary rosenblum
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This, on the other hand, is a
highly dramatic start. Of COURSE readers aren't going to stop reading...not
until they find out who or what slammed the door, if the phone works, and
does she live through page two?
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mary rosenblum
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It's quite different in energy
from our first start. Better? Not necessarily...depends on what happens
next.
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mary rosenblum
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But it is more immediately
compelling because human curiosity will weigh in with 'find out if she
dies!'
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mary rosenblum
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You can't always begin with
this type of scene, but if you CAN, then do it.
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mary rosenblum
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Jackie writes: Lawrence could
not fathom the cause of these mysterious and frightening dreams. Or were
they nightmares. It was hard for him to figure out. Just the other day he
thought he over heard the most devastating bit of information imaginable.
It was not like Lawrence to pry or ease drop but he couldn’t help himself.
He heard his father and grandmother talking and he could not believe his ears.
Did he hear them correctly? They were talking about his mother as if she
were alive. But how could this be? His mother died when he was born.
Lawrence tried to hold back the boiling mucus from his throat. Could this
be the cause of the mysterious dreams. Was his mother really alive and if
she was. Where was she? How could his family have lied to him all these
years? Had the past 24 years been a complete lie?
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mary rosenblum
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Well, we have a strong hook
here. Mom...whom son Lawrence believes is dead...is not. That's very
powerful.
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mary rosenblum
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However, if you notice, this
is a BIG paragraph and most of it is author telling us what Lawrence is
thinking.
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mary rosenblum
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There are better ways to do this
and really make use of this very powerful hook. Why not SHOW Lawrence to us
as he finds this out. Let US figure out what his reaction in. We can find
out all the details about when he mom supposedly died, his dreams, and so
on, later, once we can't put the story down.
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mary rosenblum
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This is what I see a lot in
novice starts...the desire to really set the story thoroughly.
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mary rosenblum
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Instead, how about if we just
start with the action. Lawrence froze, the tub of ice cream in his hands. Mother?
Talking about Mother? He couldn't help it, leaned his ear gently against
the door panel...
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mary rosenblum
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Then you might let us hear
Granny shisper...'What if Lawrence finds out? Or START with that and then
let Lawrence freeze.
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mary rosenblum
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You don't need to give the
reader too much up front...or they choke!
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mary rosenblum
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arfelin writes: Like notes
pasted to my brain, few days escaped Father's reminders about me being my
sister's opposite. Delight had "silky hair". I had a "kinky
mop". Delight had "a future on Wallstreet". I was
"destined to be an old maid". Delight "lit up his
life". I was "a pain where the sun don't shine".
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mary rosenblum
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You know, if I was writing
this, I think I'd try for a stronger, sharper hook here. A lot of readers
have enough family squabbles and conflicts and are not thrilled at the idea
of reading about more of the same in their leisure time...
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mary rosenblum
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and this might be a DYNAMITE
story, but someone who just got off the phone with sis after a big fight,
might not read any farther.
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mary rosenblum
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I'd see if I could come up
with something to keep us reading even if we HATE family competition
stories.
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mary rosenblum
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After I killed, Dad, I
couldn't stop thinking about him. Like notes pasted to my brain...
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mary rosenblum
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Now you can't use the first
sentence if she DIDN"T kill Dad, of course, but I'd try for something
of equal intensity.
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mary rosenblum
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This is our After Hours Forum,
with me, Mary Rosenblum, your web editor. I've published seven novels and
more than 60 short stories and will do my best to answer any questions you
have. If you're new here, remember that you need to click on the 'Ask a
Question' button or the 'word bubble' next to the red question mark at the
top of the screen in order to ask a question. Your regular 'send' bar won't
reach me! Or you can use /ask and type your question into the regular send
bar if that works better for you..
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mary rosenblum
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Jenee writes: Death was on its
way to pluck her from her misery and deliver her to
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his execution, it was
inevitable.
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sleigh bed on her favorite
yellow satin
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Her caretaker, Ruby, walked
across the room
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curtains. It was sinful to
allow the sunlight in
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such a somber mood. Ruby
switched on the
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the soft light danced off
the dark floral wall paper
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She then seated herself
next to the bed
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Her eyes flickered for a
few seconds, and then
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looked into those rich
chocolaty eyes that
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whispered that Maggie was
on her way.
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mary rosenblum
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Again, here was have a start
that isn't highly dramatic but has some lush details. As with Jackie's
start, I suggest that you really edit this. You have some strong 'show
don't tell' details as Ruby looks at our sleeper and
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mary rosenblum
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draws, curtains, turns on lamp
and so forth. I would simply tighten this to about half its length. But DO
keep thte excellent first line. Death was on its way to pluck her from her
misery and deliver her to eternity.
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mary rosenblum
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That is very strong.
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mary rosenblum
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Patricia writes: Aubrie sat.
Just sat. How many days had it been? She didn’t know and she wished she
didn’t care. Deep inside her mind a small, strident voice accused, “If you
hadn’t been such a witch with your mouth... You really did kill him you
know.”
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mary rosenblum
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Okay, here's one that has no
action, but still has some nice sharp hooks in it.
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mary rosenblum
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Aubrie sits and has either
killed someone or thinks she maybe has. Me, I'm going to keep reading to
find out what exactly is going on here. My curiosity is engaged!
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mary rosenblum
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This is a nice example of a
non-action start with a nice sharp hook.
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mary rosenblum
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Shoutjoy writes: The cabin was
warm and snug as dawn broke over Gratiot Lake. It was November and deer
hunting was good. The smell of coffee brewing awakened Danny out of a
peaceful sleep.
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up", Danny says while
stretching.
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get across the lake before
it snows", Ed said as he puts the bacon on to fry.
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in their heavy winter
hunting gear boarded the 14-foot outboard motorboat. Filled with a hot
breakfast and full of cheer, they bolster each other's confidence by
bragging about their successful shootings.
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mary rosenblum
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This is a novel start.
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mary rosenblum
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Since shout left, I can't ask
her if this is the opening to a novel or not. But a novel begins
differently, for the most part, than a short story.
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mary rosenblum
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Most novels begin BEFORE the
plot actually starts and do set up the world.
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mary rosenblum
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This is why we all do it that
way when we start writing short stories. We've READ those starts.
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mary rosenblum
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BUT...in a short story, you
really do need to begin with the story in motion -- the plot is rolling
forward.
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mary rosenblum
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Here, although it offeres nice
setting, my feeling is that we haven't gotten to the story yet.
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mary rosenblum
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Nothing wrong with that...we
all do it at the beginning. I had publilshed several stories before I wrote
the first one where I didn't chop off the first 5 pages or so...
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wolf122
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Opening paragraph novel: how
long before it gets too long? Is it better to keep the 1st paragraph 4-5
sentences, then have next paragraph be as long as needed?
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mary rosenblum
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With a novel, wolf, you have
lots more room for the start. Generally, you need to get the plot moving by
the end of the first chapter.
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mary rosenblum
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Readers will generally give
you several pages before they move on to the next book on the shelf...but I
like to have something to hook the reader on page one.
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frazz
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Can you start novels with the
rolling beginning, too?
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mary rosenblum
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Sure, frazz.
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mary rosenblum
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Most of my SF begins that
way...I'm first a short story writer, second a novelist.
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mary rosenblum
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The one I just finished for
example, begins with a character disembarking on an orbital platform with
the intention of killing someone...
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mary rosenblum
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and running for her life by
about page 5.
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mary rosenblum
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NOT a backstory first chapter!
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wolf122
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Would you throw in a hook about
the world or the plot on page one?
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mary rosenblum
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I would if you can. The more
you hook readers the more readers you get.
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frazz
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and then set up the world as you
go?
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mary rosenblum
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Sorry, frazz, didn't get the
second half in time.
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mary rosenblum
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Yes, you can always start with
strong action and dribble in details so that the reader develops the world
slowly.
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mary rosenblum
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Readers are willing to do
that. It is much better than spending three pages describing the setting.
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wolf122
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But which hook? Would you ever
use a 'world' hook, or just a plot hook 1st page/novel?
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mary rosenblum
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A world hook is fine. In my YA
novel, I start out with the flying creatures on this alien world. The plot
starts later, but there are lots of cool things to hook readers from page
one.
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mary rosenblum
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roe writes:“Nine, one, one
emergency,” the operator said. “What is your emergency?”
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home.” Leslie raced from
her car to the house. Struggling to get her key in the lock she yelled her
name and address to the operator. Pounding footsteps rang in her ears.
“Closer. He’s getting closer. The door won’t…” The lock gave way. It
opened. “I’m in…” Pushing the door closed behind her, she saw his hand curl
around the edge. “Oh my God, Oh my God, he’s in
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mary rosenblum
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oops. Don't know where the
space came from. Well, starting with 'Nine one one' surely tells us
excitement is in the offing!
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mary rosenblum
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This is a REALLY dramatic
start and of course we're going to keep reading. Who can quit now?
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mary rosenblum
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BUT...a word of warning here.
This kind of highly dramatic start can be a challenge...it's a great start
but a tough act to follow.
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mary rosenblum
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DO use it, but make sure that
your subsequent scenes are dramatic enough that the sudden slacking of
tension doesn't bore your readers.
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mary rosenblum
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Make sure something
interesting and very engaging takes place in the next scene.
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mary rosenblum
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This is our After Hours Forum,
with me, Mary Rosenblum, your web editor. I've published seven novels and
more than 60 short stories and will do my best to answer any questions you
have. If you're new here, remember that you need to click on the 'Ask a
Question' button or the 'word bubble' next to the red question mark at the
top of the screen in order to ask a question. Your regular 'send' bar won't
reach me! Or you can use /ask and type your question into the regular send
bar if that works better for you..
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mary rosenblum
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Dianna was one of those
special angels-not really in disguise at all. A
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her in the last few weeks
of my elderly father's
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by the sparkle still left
in his old Irish
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when faced with the
indignities of death; or
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connection with all her
charges, I don't know, but
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beginning that they had
formed a bond that would
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his final breath.
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mary rosenblum
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Oops...managed not to get the
writers name on here. Sorry.
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mary rosenblum
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This is a narrative start.
Clearly the writer is telling us about her and I'd say this is a personal
narrative nonfiction novel...my guess anyway.
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mary rosenblum
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Book...not novel!
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mary rosenblum
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The demands here are a bit
different.
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mary rosenblum
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I'm guessing that this is not
fiction, so we're not looking for a murder, intruder, or high drama.
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mary rosenblum
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What we ARE looking for are
interesting characters and an engaging and interesting voice.
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mary rosenblum
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Is there enough that is
special about Dianna to make your reader want to get to know her?
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mary rosenblum
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You might be better off here
to begin the narrative by describing Dianna in action, in a vivid scene
that really exemplifies her connection to her patient...in other words,
give us an example.
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mary rosenblum
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Readers, even in nonfiction
narrative, tend to like to discover people and worlds for themselves rather
than receive them as second hand accounts.
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mary rosenblum
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Even in narrative you can
describe someone doing things and we'll feel as if we're looking over your
shoulder....and then we can fall in love with her ourselves!
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ducky
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I'd start it "Ain't no
wonder I killed the sonofabitch" :-)
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mary rosenblum
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Ducky, I didn't get this in
time to post it with the start you meant it for, but I just want to say
that if I picked up a story with that first line...I'm hooked. I"m
reading. I dare you to write a story that starts with that line.
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mary rosenblum
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If you do...and it's fantasy
or SF...send it to Jay Lake at Polyphony.
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mary rosenblum
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He LOVES great first lines.
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mary rosenblum
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Ducky writes: We were sitting
under the shade tree out back of the house that afternoon.
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Late August in Arkansas is
unforgiving. The sun
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and the humidity hung so
heavy in the air it
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there. My sister and I had
big quart Mason jars
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they were sweating harder
than we were
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mary rosenblum
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Well, this would make a good
novel start...you're setting the scene, giving a weather report, telling us
that no, there's no hurry...
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mary rosenblum
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come set a spell, have some
tea.
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mary rosenblum
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Now you CAN use this for a
short story and get away with it, but I'd give you about one more sentence
to really hook me here.
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mary rosenblum
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My suggestion is to give us
more of a sense of a problem while we're watching those tea jars sweat.
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ducky
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ummm... it's a short story...
think I should change it, huh?
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mary rosenblum
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I'd add a sense of the
conflict. That will make the gentle start work better. There's not much
here now to really hook us, but a single sentence or hint of brewing
trouble would do it.
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ducky
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I could move the first action
scene to the end of the opening?
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mary rosenblum
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Why not start with the first
action scene? Weave the back story into the action or put it in after the
opening action.
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monk463
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could you move into a back story
from here without much dnager of losing your readed
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mary rosenblum
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I know this goes with an
earlier start, but you CAN move into back story after a dramatic start, but
DON"T just drop all action and start telling us about the back story!
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mary rosenblum
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That really clunks. Weave the
back story into some kind of action, even if it's just the character
grocery shopping!
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ducky
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If I start the story with my
action scene, it would begin, "I need a cigarette." Better?
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mary rosenblum
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Yes!!
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mary rosenblum
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Much better! I'm going to read
on and see what's up.
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mary rosenblum
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Who's talking.
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mary rosenblum
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This is our After Hours Forum,
with me, Mary Rosenblum, your web editor. I've published seven novels and
more than 60 short stories and will do my best to answer any questions you
have. If you're new here, remember that you need to click on the 'Ask a
Question' button or the 'word bubble' next to the red question mark at the
top of the screen in order to ask a question. Your regular 'send' bar won't
reach me! Or you can use /ask and type your question into the regular send
bar if that works better for you..
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mary rosenblum
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bud writes: It was almost
midnight. Jake was standing at the kitchen sink drinking a glass of water
when suddenly the back door slammed open. She just stood there glaring at
him, a snub nosed revolver in her right hand, as water dripped from her
nude body onto the newly laid hardwood floor.
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mary rosenblum
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Okay...DID you write this JUST
for this forum? I"m laughing. I want the REST of the scene thank you!
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mary rosenblum
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This is another of those, WHO
can stop reading here openings. No, you can't do this every time you sit
down to write a story...sometimes ...often...stories don't have this kind
of melodrama.
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mary rosenblum
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But hey, if you can pull it
off, do it.
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bud
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It was just for the forum, but I
think I'll run with it
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mary rosenblum
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Ha, you HAVE to now! I command
it. LOL
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mary rosenblum
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Make it a wacky SF or fantasy
and send that one to Jay Lake, too.
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mary rosenblum
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Oh yes..pet peeve...DO NOT use
the was+ ing verb form in openings, please. Unless you MUST.
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mary rosenblum
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They are very weak. Jake STOOD
at the kitchen sink...
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mary rosenblum
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You used it correctly but it's
still a weak form.
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mary rosenblum
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Just break your sentence up.
Short sentences pack more punch than long and work better in openings, for
the most part.
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mary rosenblum
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Jake stood at the kitchen sink
drinking a glass of water. The back door slammed open. She just stood
there, glaring at him,
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mary rosenblum
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carrie writes:"Despair
has a metallic taste, like chewing on copper wire. For many months
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bitter cud, unable to choke
it down or cough it up,
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crack of electricity to
change something,
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mary rosenblum
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Okay, what is going on here?
Nada.
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mary rosenblum
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Is this a good start? SUre.
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mary rosenblum
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It's the voice.
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mary rosenblum
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Despair has a metallic
taste.... This person has some interesting things to say and something is
clearly wrong..
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mary rosenblum
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The voice here is complex and
interesting enough to carry readers into the story with the promise of a
complex and interesting first person narrator.
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mary rosenblum
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And something is very wrong.
Curiosity factor. That is very good first person...this is what I mean by
an interesting first person voice.
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mary rosenblum
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It's the choice of words.
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mary rosenblum
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She could have simply said: I
was miserable.
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mary rosenblum
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janp writes: I took four deep
breaths and opened the front door. John and Elmo entered
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rural Vermont home with the
ease of those who have
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myself and invited them to
sit. John and I
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was on the seven-year-old
sitting so
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few moments I asked John to
remove Elmo's leash
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mary rosenblum
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Aha, all you who sent me
paragraphs right here. I'm going to be able to get to them! Yea!
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mary rosenblum
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This is what I call a 'gotcha'
opening, janp. :-)
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mary rosenblum
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Of course we see two PEOPLE
enter the room. John and Elmo. Why should we think 'dog'? So that 'leash'
makes us blink and pay more attention.
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mary rosenblum
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And we'll smile because you
did catch us!
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mary rosenblum
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BUT...I suggest that you
shorten it. The longer you let readers misinterpret, the less they'll smile
and the more they'll feel that you messed up.
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ducky
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I even wondered if it was a dog
or something else!
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mary rosenblum
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Well, there really IS nothing
else to tell us 'dog' except leash. But here is a truism...readers DO leap
to conclusions.
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mary rosenblum
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Make it work for you. If you
say 'leash' your reader sees a dog. If you want to do a 'gotcha' and make
it a dragon...that leash will mislead us nicely.
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mary rosenblum
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If you want us to instantly
know it's a dragon, that leash is going to make us see a dog.
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mary rosenblum
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I'd simply shorten it some,
janp.
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mary rosenblum
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Oh, the four deep breaths is a
good first sentence...it implies some kind of tension, conflict, problem to
come.
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mary rosenblum
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That's another reason to
shorten it. We'll forget about it! Readers forget lines pretty fast unless
they're very compelling.
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mary rosenblum
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Douglas writes: Spurges Chew
was a quiet boy, a freshman at St. Alice High School. He worked
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was used to being in the
office - but not under
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been in a fight at school
before
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mary rosenblum
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Well, this, as with our
hunting example, sounds to me as if we're not really beginning in the
story. The author is telling us what is going to happen, what the story
will be about.
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mary rosenblum
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This is what I call
'previewing'. Generally, you will get a more compelling start if you plop
us into that story.
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mary rosenblum
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Why not start with Spurges
throwing his first punch? We can find out that he's a freshman, worked on
the newspaper, and is a 'good boy' as he gets hustled off to the
principal's office. OR...
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mary rosenblum
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you could begin with the
Principal saying something like, "You realize I'll have to suspend
you." And then see his reaction.
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mary rosenblum
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Again, if you have the option
of watching a sunset or hearing your neighbor describe a beautiful sunset,
which would you rather do?
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mary rosenblum
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You have a nice strong
hook...the quiet 'good' kid who got in a fight. I just suggest you present
it in a more compelling fashion.
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mary rosenblum
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Mary Kay writes: It seemed
like a typical evening with friends to Tory. The gang, back in Washingotn,
DC from their far-flung summer travels, sat on every flat surface in
Celia's living room, chattering and trying to catch up. Tory didn't know
her life would turn 180 degrees that night.
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mary rosenblum
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Mary Kay, you have a good
starting sentence: The gang sat on every flat surface in Celia's living
room, cattering and trying to catch up. Now, as we listen, we'll find out
they're all back from summer travels, where they are, why they are there.
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mary rosenblum
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That 'Tory didn't know' line
is not always your best choice.
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mary rosenblum
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It is previewing...telling the
reader that something will happen. Just show us that something happening.
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mary rosenblum
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I'ts a strong dose of 'author
voice' and that reminds us we're not really there. You don't need it.
You're very capable of keeping us interested and engaged as we find all
this out.
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mary rosenblum
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Frazz writes: At last, Sabien
held the Horn of Traycal in his hands. He’d wondered more than once if this
moment would ever really come and as he gazed upon his newly prized
possession, he could scarcely believe it was real. His heart pounded in
triumph.
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Not the petty type that
wandered the streets preying on unsuspecting travelers—no, he despised them
and their unsophisticated techniques. Sabien Kroll considered himself a man
who understood the value of what he appropriated and took great pride in
how he performed his job
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mary rosenblum
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Your very first section is
quite nice. We have lots of hooks to snag our curiosity..the horn, the
world, what it all means. I would find a way to let us find out your second
section as Sabien does something...
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mary rosenblum
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even if it's just redeem his
horse from the stable and boast to the stableboy about what a great thief
he is!
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mary rosenblum
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YOur first section is very
nice. Keep going in that vein.
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monk463
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Use to be you could get a good
burger in this city. I scrape a handful of French fries through the last of
the ketchup on the brown bag and gulp them down. On the way to my mouth I
catch a glimpse of the meat and it reminds me of the sole of an old shoe. Disgusted
I toss it in the bag and discover more ketchup when I crumble it up for the
three-pointer into the corner wastebasket. I’m looking for a place to wipe
my hand when I hear the footsteps in the hall. I think I smelt her perfume
before her silhouette appeared at the frosted glass door with my name on
it—Jackie McKill – PI … “God who writes this crap?” I clapped the book
closed and chuck it down on the desk.
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mary rosenblum
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Here's another good first
person example. Yep...nice PI voice.
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mary rosenblum
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I'm laughing at your PI as he
looks at the meat on his way into his own mouth... :-)
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mary rosenblum
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One of those 'oops, should
have got it in the revision' moments.
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mary rosenblum
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But it is a nice voice and yes
we'll stick with it. Novel start? If it's a short story start, I'd trim it.
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mary rosenblum
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We get the drift, so to speak
about the time he notices that the meat looks like an old shoe sole.
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mary rosenblum
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I'd just shorten ...I toss it
and I'm looking for a place to wipe my hands when she knocks on the door...
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mary rosenblum
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Even if your POV is grumbling
about the quality of the prose he's reading, don't bore your reader. Better
to make it over the top awful if you really want it to seem bad to the
reader
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mary rosenblum
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But we have a nice hook here.
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mary rosenblum
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Who is the book tosser and
what is going on? We all thought it was a PI story and it's not...now what?
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mary rosenblum
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It's another form of 'gotcha'.
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aspen
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Birds sing softly in the trees
as Aspen walks through the woods to find some peace at the quiet pool he
found on his way to meet his Lady, Ascahithien for the first time years
before. It was a lovely place, with flowers of varying species and colors
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mary rosenblum
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I know this is the first part
only of your paragraph, aspen. It has some lovely, lyrical description. I
do have a couple of suggestions for you. One is to break up your long
opening sentence.
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mary rosenblum
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In GENERAL...shorter sentences
do tend to work better for openings.
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mary rosenblum
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The other suggestion, as I
have said already, is try to include a sense of the problem if this is a
short story opening.
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mary rosenblum
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Aspen walks through the woods,
searching for peace. Birds sing softly in the trees as he hunts for the
quiet pool he found before, on his way to meet his lady Ascahithien for the
first time.
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mary rosenblum
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So long ago. But he found it,
finally, a lovely place, with flowers of all colors...
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mary rosenblum
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Actually, you shift from
present to past tense in this start. I'd stick with past. In genre fiction
it is the familiar and comfortable tense. Present bothers us. It's
noticeable.
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catydorr
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The package arrived at the front
desk as Dianna hung up the phone. "Hummm, looks important. I know Mary
is resting but she may be waiting for this." Dianna turned to Walter,
the male nurse to the left of her. Holding up the package, "Walter,
I'll be right back if you need me.
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mary rosenblum
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Well, we don't have any strong
sense of drama or problem, but we are starting with clear action. Readers
will give you a bit of space to let that action lead to something engaging.
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mary rosenblum
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If you can work your conflict
into that scene...and I'm assuming that the package IS an important part of
the story...
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mary rosenblum
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that will strengthen this a
lot. Even a clue helps. The package arrived at the front desk as Dianna
hung up the phone. Surely not... "Hmmm, looks important. I'd better
take this right to Mary. She might be waiting for it." She shookthe
package at Walter, the floor nurse. "Be right back,"she said,
trying to sound cheerful.
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mary rosenblum
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Now this probably doesn't suit
your story, but it's an example of how to add a hint of conflict to a
start. If DIanna thinks that package is a potential problem, we're more
likely to stick with this.
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catydorr
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Walter watched her walk down the
hallway. Is that a string coming out of that package? What's that all
about? he thought
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mary rosenblum
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I'm assuming you mean these to
work together. Well, you do add a hint of something not quite right here. It
will probably keep readers going for a bit as they wait to see if it's a
bomb. :-)
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ducky
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"Dianna was halfway down
the hallway when the explosion knocked Walter to the floor"
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mary rosenblum
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There you go. :-) That's what
we're waiting for!
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mary rosenblum
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Well, that's the last of our
openings. This worked very well!
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mary rosenblum
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I like these hands-on Forums.
They're fun...and they keep my on my toes!
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roe
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This was great I hope you do it
again sometime
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mary rosenblum
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Oh, I definitely will!
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deb1234
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I'd like to see us do another
live story
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mary rosenblum
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That was fun. We'll do that,
and do a novel plot, and create a character...
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mary rosenblum
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those are three 'hands on'
ideas I've had so far.
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mary rosenblum
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I have to share one great
piece of news with you all.
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mary rosenblum
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My son Jake, 22, just came in.
He has been in Search and Rescue, and is an EMT and has been looking...
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mary rosenblum
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for a job with a city fire
department. He just got one, right south of me in Corvallis! It is NOT easy
to land that job, and I am SO proud of him!
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mary rosenblum
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And of course I have a great
source for writing a mystery with a fireman as MC> LOL
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mary rosenblum
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Thank you all for coming! I'm
going to go post the transcript to Writing Craft: Forum Transcript and then
I am going to CRASH.
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mary rosenblum
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I have done this final
revision in two very LOOONG days.
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mary rosenblum
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Some of you are telling me
that I didn't get your paragraphs.
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mary rosenblum
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I'm sorry. I checked right
before the Forum and I posted all I received.
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mary rosenblum
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The cyber gremlins got the
rest, alas.
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mary rosenblum
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We'll do it again, soon.
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mary rosenblum
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Good night all!
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