Word Choices

October 14, 2008

 

Mary  Rosenblum:  Good morning all!  I hope you had an excellent weekend and welcome to our Lunchbox Forum.  I wanted to talk about words today...specific words.   Generally, when you're working on a first draft, you're concerned with much larger issues...  plot arc, characterization, pacing, and that sort of thing.  And that's appropriate.   You don't want to be bothering with nitpicky word choices. You want to be focusing on getting the story down, following the flow of the plot.  Now the more you write, the more you will find yourself doing things in the first draft that were delegated to 'revision' when you started out. But certainly you don't want to stop the flow of the story to nitpick words. Keep that story rolling right up to 'the end'.

 At some stage of the revision process, however, you really do need to start paying attention to your words.  makes your narrative or fiction story strong is how much you are able to evoke reality for your readers.  That means that the scenes that are so clear and real in YOUR head need to be equally clear and real in your readers' heads. And that is where novice writers tend to have a hard time.   When you read your work, all those details ARE clear. But what can be difficult to understand is that they're often clear because you already know all that stuff. You were either there, or you have made it up.   But the readers were not there and they cannot look into your mind. We have no telepathic hyperlink yet.  So you face a conundrum. You want to create a 'real' world for your readers, but you cannot stop and 'tell' them about what you see without weakening the piece significantly.  

A simple choice of words can add a whole layer of reality to your scenes. Without adding to the length of the piece much at all.   Some of the key components of 'rich words' are  vivid verbs,  specific details, nuanced adjectives.  Verbs offer you a lot of additional information:
Josh walked over to Annie's house.
Josh dragged himself over to Annie's house.
Josh marched over to Annie's house.
Josh raced over to Annie's house.
See how much implication each sentence conveys?  And all with the change of a single word, from the 'vanilla pudding' verb 'walk' to a more specific type of walk, each of which conveys a different emotional spectrum for Josh.

Cathy sat down on the armchair by the fireplace.
Cathy slumped into the chair by the fireplace.
Cathy perched on the edge of the chair.
Cathy flung herself into the chair by the fireplace.

I call this layering.   Each sentence conveys a basic unit of information.
Josh traveled to Annie's house on foot, at a pace that is slower than a run. By changing the verb, I add another layer of information. Josh dragged himself over to Annie's house. He's not feeling well or he's reluctant to go.   Same thing for Cathy. The basic information is that she occupied that chair in a sitting position.  The verb change adds a layer of information: If she slumps into that chair, her mood is probably dark. Perching on the edge might signify nervousness, anxiety, or anticipation. If she flings herself into it, maybe she's exasperated or tired or frustrated.   Verbs are the key to nuance.

For heaven's sake do your best to get rid of those 'empty' verbs, the 'to be' verbs.   Use your 'find' feature on your word-processor and search for 'was', 'is', and 'are'.  While they are occasionally your best choice of verb, all too often, they're simply there out of habit and you can create a much stronger sentence simply by substituting a more vivid verb.
 The house was next to the stream.
The house drowsed by the stream.

Here, I'm using a bit of anthropomorphism...giving the house a hint of human attribute.  So what do we take away here? Quiet. Not much happening. Maybe empty, maybe just quiet.  Don't overdo that, but it's an effective tool, used in moderation.  It offers a lot more than 'was'.

The second part of my trinity of 'word' rules is to use specific details.   Generalizations need not apply!
She ate lunch.
She grabbed a hard boiled egg and headed back to the game.
He parked in front of the house.
He parked in front of the sagging Victorian.

Rae: The word "be" is my enemy. I seem to have at least one "be" in every chapter.

Mary  Rosenblum:  Rae, one 'be' in every chapter is hardly anything to worry about!  It's not a matter of NEVER use it. It's a matter of don't use it out of habit.   Sometimes you simply need to use a to be verb.
He was there.
Short, punchy, it might be just what you need to insert a beat of drama.
Jeremy followed the path through the dense thickets of blackberry and hawthorn, shiedling his face from the clawing thorns. The path narrowed, until he was following a trace of bent drass through a dewy field. Lost? He paused, squinting at gray shadows as the fat, orange moon peeked above the horizon. A flame leaped, off to his left.
He was there.
I would use that sentence strictly for dramatic effect. 'He was there'. Punch!  Remember, writing includes few 'always' and few 'nevers'.   But notice in that above paragraph how much specific detail I included.  Dense thickets, clawing thorns (implying a hostile environment)  trace of bent grass, dewy field (sense of place and vanishing path)

Those specific words are very conscious choices. How do I make this walk in the dark seem kind of spooky? Clawing thorns.   How do I convey a sense of solitude and night?   Trace of bent grass. Dewy field.

Julia: dewy grass implies early morning.

Mary  Rosenblum:  Dewpoint often occurs right after dusk, Julia. It's an effect of temperature=humidity.  (Ask anyone who hangs their laundry out to dry and forgets to bring it until dusk!)  But...yes, a lot of folk do think of dew as a morning phenomenon.   And that's why I added that moon peeking over the horizon. That was another conscious choice.

What I often see from a novice writer is this: Jeremy followed the path through the thickets and across the field. Thinking he was lost, he paused to look around.  If you'll compare the two examples, you'll see that one adds a strong sense of place and the other offers information only.  Information only is a kind of shorthand, but readers of fiction and personal narrative/creative nonfiction don't want information. They want entertainment.

Julia: So, we need to do this in the first draft? Or when we go back to edit?

Mary  Rosenblum:  No, NOT on the first draft!   That'll drive you into writers block if nothing else does!  I do a lot of this on the fly in my first draft because I've been doing this for a long time and got my first million words out of the way a long time ago!   But I didn't start out doing it on the first draft.    Do it after you have a solid first draft.  When you're happy with your first draft, then go through it for words.

CatLady:  so basically first draft is get the story out then worry out details? 

Mary  Rosenblum:  Exactly, CatLady.   My first rule is Never Interrupt the Flow.   If I think of things to fix, I write myself notes. When I start revising I go read those notes and use them for the revision: 'Make Malinal's relationship to her father clear in Chapter Two..... plant the arrival of the horses in chapter three. 'That kind of thing.  

So, to review, use vivid verbs to replace 'vanilla pudding' verbs like walk and especially the awful 'went'.   Use specific details to create a sense of mood and place.  If someone is walking down a street, into a room, through the countryside, what do READERS see?  No, don't tell us, use those specific details so that readers can piece it together for themselves.  Filthy sidewalk, cracked asphalt, dry weeds rattling in the hot wind, smoke-grimed glass, smeared linoleum.  Fly-specked menu, spotted glasses, cracked plastic tablecloth.

The third leg of my 'words' attack is to use nuanced adjectives.  Notice that all my adjectives in the previous example suggest a certain state of the restaurant they might be found in?   Fly-specked, spotted, cracked

Verbose: those make a reader want to know why the health department hasn't shut down the restaurant.

Mary  Rosenblum:  Yep.   You use the nuanced adjectives to suggest a mood or a feel.

Verbose: I wouldn't be eating there

Mary  Rosenblum:  Exactly, verbose. And I, the author, did not have to say. "It was a dingy looking restaurant that made him wonder why the health department hadn't shut it down'.   We figured all that out for ourselves, right?  Notice that my details let yous SEE that restaurant and make that assumption.  The  sentence does not 'show' you the restaurant, it simply conveys the information that it is dingy. What specifically do we see? Nada.

Verbose: not even the roach crawling across the table.

CatLady: Or the cook hacking all over the food.

Mary  Rosenblum:   There you go, CatLady.  So when you look at your first draft, ask yourself... 'what does my READER see here?"   And if your answer is 'not much' or 'nothing' then you know that you need to convey that information visually or through dialogue.  We tend to use information in the place of strong words.  

Adjectives are great mood-enhancers.  Looming tree, gloomy mansion, sagging Victorian, sprawling shrubs  Three of those carry a 'dark' nuance, the fourth is what I would call 'neutral'.  If I wanted to make it 'dark', I'd probably use 'clawing shrub'.   Adjectives come in 'flavors' if you will. Positive/upbeat, negative/dark, and neutral.
  Gracious elms. Positive.
  Twisted oak. More dark than neutral.
  Broad maple. Neutral.  

 Use your nuanced adjectives to reinforce the mood of your scene.  that with verbs that also reflect the mood and your scene is going to have a compelling tone.  , these are all things to play with after you're satisfied with the structure and characterization in your story.  Don't distract yourself from those basics!

Verbose: I have a question/

Mary  Rosenblum:   Sure, verbose. Any time.

Verbose: What would you suggest for someone who worries about words habitually in the first draft subconsciously.

Mary  Rosenblum:   It can be tough, Verbose, if you let them get in your way.   Try giving yourself clear permission to Do It Later.

Verbose: I usually don't even realize I'm doing it.

Mary  Rosenblum:   Write it out and stick it to your monitor. I will do a better job with words if I wait until the first draft is done.  Look at it regularly. Remind yourself. I's okay...I'll fix this later.  You really WILL do a better job with the words in a later draft. You'll be able to suit those words to the pace and flow of the story.

Verbose: I don't always work on the computer. I like to write longhand a lot, makes it feel more personal to me.

Mary  Rosenblum:   Well, write it on a sticky note and stick it on something where you'll see it easily, Verbose. Your coffee or tea mug? The desk?

CatLady:   Write it at the top of each page

Mary  Rosenblum Good idea, CatLady.  Or do like the gradeschool teachers used to make us do....write it 100 times.  (I wish I had a quarter for every time I had to write 100 times 'I will not read in class')  We can be our own worst enemies when we're writing.   Giving yourself permission to do something less than perfect, to fix problems later, will really help you.  

Kard:  When you talk about first draft, are you talking about opening sentence to the end of chapter 40 whatever, or are you talking about first draft of the chapter and making first drafts chapter by chapter?

Mary  Rosenblum:   Kard, I'm talking about page one to 'the end'.   That way, you keep the flow of the story going. 

Well we’ve overstayed our hour!  Thanks for coming, all!  Have a good week!